Sleep Baby Sleep!

**First off I am in NO way a sleep expert, pediatrician, child behaviorist or anything of that sort. I am just a mom who decided to write down the story of helping her family develop happier and healthier sleep habits. Always consult with a professional with questions or concerns regarding your child, and use common sense. Read up on sleep safety recommendations and consult with your pediatrician.

I've decided to write this post over the course of the month we started sleep "training," our daughter. Actually, I don't like that phrase, I wanted to document how we've been "helping" our daughter develop better sleep habits. Here's to hoping at there will be some successes to share and a good post to look back on for future children (God willing :-). Up until this point the loss of sleep has probably been the hardest part of motherhood for me. You don't feel like yourself after months of sleeplessness, and the guilt sinks in that you just don't have the energy to be the supermom and wife you want to be.

Our daughter was never that child that slept so long that you felt the need to lean over and check her pulse in the night. From day one she woke often, suffered from crankiness, and bedtime has always been a fight (usually a mix of bouncing, rocking, swaddling, crying, waking, rocking, falling asleep). Over the course of the first year of her life we have used: a co-sleeper next to the bed, one of those rock a boos (or whatever they are called), a swing, I've propped pillows so I could hold her in the night while she slept, she moved to sleeping on my chest, over my stomach, and eventually in the middle of me and my husband. On average she woke about every 45 minutes. Around her one year birthday we decided it can't get much worse, so we started to try some techniques to help her fall asleep without nursing and have the ability to get comfy in her own sleep space.

I think the most important first step is to discuss with your spouse when and why the current situation isn't working for your family. The first day I REALLY wanted to sleep train our daughter was a month or so after we moved into a new house, the sleep was getting even worse, and I was scrambled to get her room set up. Alas, it didn't all come together and I am sort of glad it didn't, because I was frustrated and that is not a good way to start out.
NUMBER 1: don't pick a night that you are overly frustrated. You might not be as gentle as you need to be or have the patience to stick with it.
NUMBER 2: Pick the right sleep method or combo that works for you and your child's needs and personalities. (I will talk more about what we did later).
NUMBER 3: This was one of the biggest overlooked detail that didn't come up until night 2, what is REALLY bothering you about your current sleep arrangement? For us it started as "She needs to be in her own room like everyone else's kids!" As the days and nights progressed we decided that our babe sleeping in her crib for naps was really useful. She just plain slept better (in comparison to always napping in our bed), we were able to complete chores without disturbing her in our room, and it created a nice routine. But in actuality, when it came to nighttime sleep, we decided that the first issue we wanted to address wasn't that we wanted her "out of our room," it was the idea for her to stop using me as a human pacifier all night long. At this point she had been nursing about 6-10 times night, most of the time not even to the point she was getting nourishment, just to feel me there and to fall asleep. So this was the real issue that was keeping all of us from getting a good night's sleep. I also missed having some time to myself and with my husband at the end of the day: to clean up, brush my teeth, read, or watch tv with him. 

DAY 1: I decided to put my daughter down for a nap in her crib after battling with her off and on for 2 hours to take a nap. She wouldn't nurse, she would crawl away on our bed, push away when I tried to cuddle and rock her, which led to her crying. I felt like I was the one causing her to not have the space to fall asleep safely. I brought her into her room, turned on her oscillating fan, night light, and monitor. We rocked, nursed, read books, and I sang to her. I put her in the crib and softly told her that it was time for "night night," and left the room (with the intention to come back in every few minutes to comfort her) like the method I was trying to use suggested. Boy, all H*** broke loose. She screamed, paced, tried to climb out, which led to me feeling like she may get hurt while trying to do so. This was not the method for us. I decided to try something else. I took her out, nursed her to calm her down like she was accustomed to, and waited until she was just about sleeping to lay her down. She still cried, but I stayed at the side of the crib and laid her down gently as many times as it took for her to stay laying down. I softly rested my hands on her back and lightly on her head (similar to how I hold her against my chest while we rock in the glider). It took a lot of patience and a kink in the back for mom, but she safely fell asleep, and the cries were different, switching from "I'm all alone" to "I'm frustrated I'm not being picked up." This worked much better for both of us at this point.

NIGHT 1: I used a similar method as naptime after we had dinner, bath, quiet play, pj's on, teeth brushed, nursed in her room, read books, sang, and I rocked and nursed her until she was almost asleep, then laid her down in the crib. I stayed at the side of the crib, kissed her head and laid her back down softly when she reached for me, and patted her back when she was tuckered out and stayed laying down. It is not quick by any means but it was just not in the cards for me to let her scream. (At one point I did pick her up to nurse during this stage because I didn't think she had her fill and was crying out of hunger). I then laid her back down and started again. (I gave myself so much grief about this at the time because most things I read say "don't give in" bla bla) At some point you have to throw the "training method" out the window and use your parental intuition!! All you can do is what you think is best at any given moment. Between 8pm and 12am she woke up 6 times and I picked her up and rocked and nursed her back to sleep......needless to say I was overwhelmed and exhausted and brought her into out bed for business as usual. Can't win 'em all...

DAY 2: Morning nap we used the same method of rocking, nursing almost to sleep, then laying her down, and patting her back to sleep. This time was worse than the day before....it took an hour and I almost threw in the towel many times. After she finally went to sleep, the nap only lasted 30 minutes. In the afternoon she fell asleep much easier but still slept for only 30 minutes or so. I was a little discouraged when nighttime came. I had been getting a gut wrenching feeling, similar to how I felt when she was a newborn and I knew I had a long night of new experiences ahead.

NIGHT 2: I put her to sleep and this time tried to cut off the nursing sooner and just rock her into sleepiness. She wasn't particularly happy about this, but was fine with some cuddles and rocking. Even though some of her naps didn't go well that day I still took a mental note of how responsive she was regarding what to expect when we entered her room for a night night time. She didn't fight me, and knew why we were in there. She slept better and when she woke, I brought her in bed with me. Not a perfect night but I had an hour or so to myself to get ready for bed and be with my hubby.

DAY AND NIGHT 3: Same method of noisemaker on, nursing, rocking, books, singing, and laying her down in the crib when almost asleep. I would keep gently laying her down on her tummy until she stopped getting up. I laid my hand on her back and either rubbed or patted while shushing. That night she was worse than usual. I thought we were regressing or she was anxious from the separation....the next day I noticed a lump below her ear on her neck. Mama called the doctor, and the doctor said...Eustasion Tube Infection...poor babe..

**Stopped and let her nurse around the clock, sleep on my chest, and in bed if that is what she wanted. I laid her in her crib with the same method but did not let her cry at all because she was in pain and I knew it was not an appropriate time to add stress or deny constant comforting to my sick babe.

DAYS/NIGHTS 1 and 2 (after 10 days of being sick and back to her normal self): We went back to the same methods of soundmaker, rocking, nursing, books, singing in her glider until very drowsy. Proceeding to lay her in her crib and laying her on her tummy gently after kisses when she would stand and reach for me. Patted and rubbed her back while shushing or singing until she fell asleep. SHE FOUGHT ME 100 TIMES HARDER THAN BEFORE!! I thought this was it....it was ruined, any little progress we had made was done. We had a vacation coming up the next day so we threw in the towel since we knew she would have to sleep in the bed with us over the weekend.

DAY/NIGHT 1 (after returning from vacation): I laid on her nursery floor and cried. My husband found me there and we had a long talk about what to do and our plan of action. I told him I missed her at night when she was in her crib and worried about her, checking the monitor every hour or so. So even when she slept for an hour or so in her crib at night I was usually up, anticipating her waking. But there was no way she could sleep in our bed anymore. She tossed and turned all night, nursed every time my chest was anywhere near her, bit my nipple while nursing, kicked me, scratched me, and some nights woke crying 10+ times out of frustration. We decided:
-We wanted to continue her sleeping in the crib while napping, and when she woke up grouchy mid nap to pat her back to sleep instead of instantly picking her up. (to make sure she was getting enough sleep during the day).
-We liked her starting the night in her crib and needed to stick to a routine: 6:30 Dinner, bath, quiet play and book time, brush her teeth, 7:30/8PM rocking/nursing/singing/reading in her nursery until drowsy, laying her down patting her back to sleep.
-We introduced a pack and play to our room, to allow her to sleep near us but not in the bed.
-Our goal was to put her to sleep in her room, then bring her into our room once she woke (around 1am usually) nurse her, put her in the pack and play, keep laying her down until she is comfy, pat her back until she fell asleep.
-We decided that we would not take her out of the pack and play under any normal circumstances, she eats a good meal before bed and nurses twice in the night (7:30 and 1am). We would stick to the method of kissing her when she woke and stood in the pack and play at night, lay her down gently until she stays laying down, pat her back to sleep.

WEEK 1 = SUCCESS: Our daughter is by NO means sleeping through the night. But we have developed a plan for nighttime that works for us, and we feel like our daughter is getting more comfortable settling herself (even without our help). Lately during our rocking/nursing/singing before bed she is very drowsy, and begins to try and get off my lap. Which I thought at first she was trying to get away and out of her room, I decided to lay her in her crib, and she got comfy and fell asleep. NO tears and NO intervention such as patting her back or shushing by me. Our schedule during the night isn't perfect but we see improvements and milestones being met night after night.
7:30- rock/nurse/cuddle/sing/lay in crib very drowsy, somewhere between 12am and 3am she wakes and my husband brings her in our room, I nurse her sitting up on the bed while rocking gently and lay her in the pack and play next to the bed (I release the latch if she falls asleep nursing so she is not just using me as a pacifier), she wakes at 4:30am I lay her down, pat her back until she quickly falls asleep, any other time she wakes I respond the same way, 7am wake, cuddles and nurses in bed an we giggle and play in mommy and daddy's bed. *She now sleeps from 7:30 pm-2:30 am in her crib, then 3am-7am in her pack and play (with a few times I have to pat her for a few seconds) From waking 10+times a night in our bed, to patting her back to sleep a few times a night, we are elated.

I really feel like a better mom now that I can get some sleep. I can readjust in the night without worrying about waking the baby next to me, I can go to the bathroom in the night, get a sip of water...pretty much gained some of my human-ness back. Our daughter is 100% getting better sleep and without feeling stressed or upset with bedtime. She used to get up and cry every hour or so and needed to be nursed to fall asleep. Even then, she just never seemed to get really comfy in the bed with us. Reading other blogs, I never thought our sleeping arrangement could change unless we let her cry it out, or until she was 2 and we could put a bed on our floor. If you are reading this and thinking "there is no hope for me to sleep ever again," you were me a month ago. Try to sit down with your partner and really decide what you need to happen in order for everyone to get better sleep (when your child is of age of course). Decide if you want your baby in your room, just out of the bed, in a separate room, etc. Don't listen to all the opinions around you, they don't know what your sleep life is like and in the end you, your partner, and baby are the most important players in the situation. Ask for support from your partner, I told my hubby I like when he touches my back or rubs my arm while I'm trying to settle our daughter to give me encouragement. I truly believe that children like a routine, and even though our lifestyle doesn't always allow for it to be perfectly the same everyday, our whole family now knows what is expected at bedtime and all three of us are happier.

Be Gentle. Be Kind. Comfort Your Baby. Get Some Sleep :-)

-Candice

No Bake Oatmeal Peanut Butter Cookies...and Vegan!!

We made a version of these freezer cookies when I was little. I like to keep it in a big block and just cut pieces off, which is very dangerous throughout the day.

I attempted to use healthier ingredients and in result, they became accidentally vegan. Now you can feel a drop healthier and be a non animal killer..you're welcome ;-)

1/2 c. Coconut Oil

1/2 c. Almond Milk

1/2 c. Unsweetened Cocoa 

1 c. Natural Cane Sugar

1/4-1/2 c. Light Agave (depending on how sweet you like your desserts) 

1/2 c. Peanut Butter

3 c. Oats (quick cooking or old fashioned)

1 tsp. Coffee Extract (or vanilla)

Parchment Paper

Directions:

Combine; coconut oil, almond milk, cocoa, sugar, and agave in a medium saucepan. Mix over medium-high heat, stirring with a wooden spoon. Let the mixture boil for a minute stirring constantly to avoid the bottom burning, you will feel the mixture smooth out as all the sugar melts.

Take the mixture off the heat, add the peanut butter, oatmeal, and extract. 

Line a glass Tupperware container with parchment and lightly spray with non-stick spray. Pour into container, freeze, and enjoy when it sets up in about an hour!!

Must Haves You Didn't Know You Needed: Surviving with a Newborn

I am no expert on baby care, please consult your pediatrician above all else!! But, I do feel accomplished surviving the first few months with a newborn. The amount of google searching I do for ideas merits a post by myself to include any information I have discovered. Those late night online searches on: "Is this normal? How do I deal with this? Rash? Swaddle or not to Swaddle?" Here is a small collection of things I've ran to the store for that I didn't have on hand, and some simple tricks for those fussy times.

1. Onsies- Put away all those frilly dresses and mini suits. For the first few weeks at least your baby will be living in onsies. It's easy to change a diaper and comfy for the hours and hours of sleep (at first :-)). Ailee wore a long sleeved shirt with the fold over hands in the NICU, and that's what she wore to bed in the early weeks to make sure she had warm arms and hands. Their legs and feet are almost always bundled up anyway!!

2. MAM Pacifiers- I swore against pacifiers before I had a baby. I didn't want to have to wean her off one, and with a dentist for a husband he was not thrilled with a piece of plastic in her mouth 24/7. Now there is one in every room of the house. Check with your pediatrician or lactation consultant before starting to introduce a paci, but once the nipple confusion phase passes and your baby is above his/her birth weight, it's a great soothing tool. We used the Soothies brand from the NICU to begin with, but found the shape of the MAM is more pleasing and she is able to suck the paci back in when it droops and hangs out of her mouth.

3. Gas Drops- I hate giving my baby any kind of medication, but to see their discomfort in those first few weeks from gas, a drop before bedtime is worth it. We used these drops at 4 weeks or so when we were struggling with what foods in my diet were giving her gas and an upset tummy. 

4. Your Insurance Plan- A not so fun part of coming home from a hospital stay is the eventual influx of mail from doctors and the hospital itself. Study a little before baby is born so you aren't giving up a single minute of time with him or her to dwell on your insurance plan! Hopefully most of the out of pocket costs were settled before the birth, but just in case know your plan backwards and forwards, and audit any statements coming in, to make sure you aren't exceeding your max out of pocket. 

5. Yoga Ball- One fine day my aunt started bouncing my baby on her yoga ball. I've never looked back since. A gentle bounce and rock on my yoga ball silences my baby like non other. This has given my back and legs a much needed break from pacing and bouncing down the halls for hours on end during fussy times. I swaddle her up, have her paci in hand, sing, and gently bounce the fussies right out of her and into sweet baby slumber! I think this idea dates back to my grandmother's advice to "bounce the baby at the end of the bed," well beds don't have the springiness they used to, so this is the tip modernized!!

6. Butt Paste- I had a beautiful basket of organic Burt's Bees diaper cream, which worked just to keep baby's bottom soothed from a tiny bit of wetness. But on one occasion I opened my sweet baby's diaper after she had been held for hours by family members, and low and behold an awful, chaffed, sore bottom. I cried hyterically and told myself what a bad mom I was. Diaper rash happens I have quickly found, and Butt Paste goes on with every diaper change from that point forward. A VERY dry bottom, patted dry with a soft clean towel and a dab of Butt Paste has kept her rash free for as long as we have used it. Sorry Burt's Bees, I love o'natural and you smell great, but a beautiful rash free bottom wins.

7. Aden and Anais Blankets- Get these, lots of them. I want one in adult size. Enough said. 

8. "The Vaccine Book," by Dr. Sears- You don't have to be an earthy crunchy, vaccine free, rebel to buy this book. I always knew that I wanted to do the "alternative" vaccine scheule and this book gives you safe ways to vaccinate, without giving up vaccines all-together. No matter your position on vaccines, you took the time to read up on what to eat/avoid during pregnancy, why stop there? A smart parent is educated on what their child is exposed to, and you can never be too safe when it comes to your child and medical options!

9. A Sink- This may seem like the most bazaar tip of all but I guess it could also be looked at as common sense. My pediatrician recommended this when he saw my baby's tender bottom. He validated that rashes happen and instructed me to lay off the chemically wipes and constant rubbing, and run her bottom under the sink instead. My husband and I have found ourselves doing this almost all the time when we are at home. We have a little fluffy folded blanket by our bathroom sink, we lay her down, bottom gently hanging over the edge and into the sink (with support from your hand), and rinse her with warm water. This is great for getting a super clean bottom from those big 'ol poopy blowouts and saves you from the gilt of "wiping" that poor rashy bottom!!! Keep a soft old receiving blanket by the sink for dabbing dry, followed by diaper cream. :-)

*Hope these are helpful and any mommies out there, don't hesitate to comment your own great constructive tips for surviving with a newborn!

Easy Pumpkin Spice Donuts

These remind me of my childhood, the smell, tastes, sounds of shaking fresh donuts in a paper bag! They are also great because you can play with toppings to your hearts desire! I used pumpkin pie spice and natural cane sugar, but you could use powdered sugar and pumpkin pie spice, or make a glaze with powdered sugar and milk!!

Pumpkin Spice Donuts

Ingredients*

Coconut oil

White sugar (I used natural cane sugar)

Pumpkin pie spice

Tube of refrigerated biscuits

Paper towels or brown paper bag

Brown paper bag for shaking toppings

Instructions*

*Preheat about 2 inches of oil in a small to medium saucepan. I put the heat to about medium to medium high to start. (Be so careful with hot oil!! Splashes hurt and put pan on a back burner if you have little ones!!)

*Fill a brown paper bag with a mixture of sugar and pumpkin pie spice to your liking.

*Set up a plate with either paper towels or another brown paper bag on top for draining excess oil off the donuts. 

*Open biscuit container and cut out holes in biscuits with either a frosting tip or cookie cutter. (You can just cut the biscuits into quarters and make a beignet shape also). 

*Test oil by gently lowering a donut hole to test the oil with a slotted metal spoon or tongs (I'm too lazy to use a thermometer).

*donut hole should gently float to top and be surrounded by little fizzy bubbles. 

*When the heat reaches this point start putting up to 3 donuts at a time in oil. It should take 2-3 minutes per side to reach a golden brown. If it becomes golden or dark too quick take your oil off the heat for a minute to cool or the inside will be too doughy. 

*Flip donuts and donut holes until golden on all sides.

*Place hot donuts in paper bag with toppings immediately and shake to coat.

*Place on plate with paper towels to drain.

*EAT while warm!!!

Experiencing a C-section when planning for a Natural Birth 🌷

I hadn't planned on publicly posting Ailee's birth story. I did know however, that I wanted to journal the experience even before delivery, no matter the process. I found it very healing to get our story down on paper, as I was brought to tears writing it, and felt a sigh of relief as I typed the last few words. As the weeks led on seeing how helpful reading similar stories was for me, I decided to post mine in the hopes that it will be comforting to some mommies. 

I spent a lot of time revising this post, because I don't want it to seem in any way that I'm bashing Doctors or the hospital system. I delivered our baby in the most gorgeous hospital and had a great team at her birth. I did however have a bad experience with the Doctor on call in labor and delivery, as you will notice while reading. This is going to be a long post, first going through our birth experience and ending with my thoughts on healing and the future. I hope our story is helpful in some way!

Our Birth Story 🌻

My husband and I started the journey to create our first little baby after a big move 7 hours from family for a new job venture. We tried to conceive for 5 months or so, ovulating tracking a little but mostly just using the o'natural way. After we decided to move closer to family and my husband quit his negative job, we arrived in Orlando, one of our considered "home towns." A week or so after the move, we visited family and right before Thanksgiving, I felt a little "funny." I had gotten myself into the mindset of "don't expect anything," when taking a pregnancy test since I cried every time one was negative, even though I knew most healthy couples conceive within a year and we had nothing to worry about. I looked down at the test after having my eyes closed for those 3 minutes and saw a dark pink line (which I was used to), and right beside it was a little miracle. The faintest and teensiest pink line you had ever seen. Naturally I thought I would break out into tears, but instead all I could say was "Trrrrroooyyyyy...." and walked into the bedroom with a big smile on my face. We hugged for a long minute and I think those grins lasted for a good amount of the next 8 months.

I loved being pregnant, no morning sickness, a cute belly, I stayed healthy, and exercised. The hardest part was: I was a worried mess. I wanted to eat the right things, do the right things, and feel the baby move 24/7. My husband was great throughout the pregnancy, always reassuring me that she was ok, and humored me when I wanted an extra ultrasound to check on her. 

My Birth Plan
We had decided even before we were trying to conceive that we wanted a more natural birth experience. I had done more research on natural birth than a doctoral student working on her thesis. I read books, watched personal experiences online, articles, and knew the facts by heart of medical vs natural birth methods. I was passionate about the birth experience being a personal decision for every woman and natural was the way that felt right for me and my family. We found a place in Orlando that I loved right from the start, educated midwives, a relaxed non medical office, and just enough testing to make me and my hubby feel at ease about our baby's care. I breezed through all the glucose tests, blood tests, and all those goodies which allowed me to build confidence about my pregnancy and baby. We decided to attend a hypnobirthing class in preparation, and it was a nice weekly ritual for hubby and me to relax and come to the exciting realization that our baby would be here in a few short months. It taught us to relax and breathe. Our bodies were created to birth a baby, and with the right relaxing atmosphere, pain can be minimized and the experience can be an amazing awakening and journey for baby, mom, and dad. Troy knew his part, massaging, focusing, encouraging, and being my coach through the birth. He was amazing, he read everything he needed to, practiced breathing exercises with me, and read relaxation scripts without laughing or not taking it seriously. 

I felt a rush of being ready and being nervous towards the end of my pregnancy. Any little negativity would push me over the edge, and positive words from my hubby helped me focus. I was back to swimming daily, yoga, and eating healthy after a higher blood pressure reading at one of my appointments. This news brought me so down and the midwife assistant was very unessesarily worrisome with her language making me feel unhealthy and on the verge of preclampsia. This was not a worry I wanted to add to the list being a little over a month to my due date. I wanted nothing in the way of my home birth that Troy and I has so eagerly set up, planned, practiced, and hoped for. I needed to make it to 37 weeks, I was taking it easy and waiting for my home visit on the 4th of July. This pretty much approved everything for the home birth and I was getting excited in the realization that my baby would be here soon. 

In the wee hours of the morning (1:30am) of June 30th, 2014 I felt a trickle. Nothing out of the ordinary for an almost 9 month pregnant woman. Things were trickling out of me from everywhere all day everyday. For some reason a rush went through my head of "what if it's amniotic fluid and could be bad for the baby if it has meconium, I should sit on the toilet and take a look." I did the "go to the bathroom roll" out of the bed, and firmly planted both feet on the ground. "Gush" a warm sensation and trickle down my legs led me to state in a surprisingly calm tone,"Troy, my water broke." He didn't do a Hollywood jump out of bed and run around the room, instead I heard the squeak of the bed as he rolled over and he said "What? Are you sure?" I was waddling to the bathroom at this point, not sure why, maybe to let it drip into the toilet? Check the color? Pee? I don't remember. I heard a "swoop" as my husband slipped on my water trail, he quickly recovered and walked around on a towel cleaning up so I wouldn't slip. He grabbed me and we hugged as I cried and blubbered in an all out wail, "This is exactly what I didn't want to happen!" Troy reminded me that we get to meet the baby soon, and that it will all work out fine. He was very calm and asked me what he should do next. I lowered myself into my glider with a towel between my legs, and started my calm breathing. I knew at this point my home birth was out the window and decisions were going to have to be made to stay on course for the natural birth we wanted, even with medical interventions. My legs were bouncing up and down as I sat in my glider from fear and adrenaline and I told Troy to call the midwife first. My mind raced knowing that my water breaking this early and without really feeling any surges (contractions) was a bad scenario, one the hospital would only minimally tolerate without drug induced interventions. Troy left a message with the midwife on call, and 15 minutes later, no call back. We went into attack mode, calling pretty much every number on the phone list, when finally a not-on-call midwife dialed back. Troy got some information, and relayed to her our scenario, and she advised to take a shower, eat a good breakfast, pack up and head to the Hospital. It wasn't an emergency type feeling anymore, we had time, this wasn't the closest hospital, but we had the time to drive to one they recommended, which made me feel better. I dictated to Troy what to throw in my Vera Bradley tote, a bag set that I always thought would be cute as a hospital bag, but never dreamed of having to pack it. I felt unprepared, I had my whole linen closet packed full of a birth kit, but no emergency hospital bag. My mind reeled through Pinterest pins that I had glanced at and thought, "Whew, glad I dont have to pack one of those, I have everything right here at home for my birth!" Now, not so much. I remembered some recommended basics, change of clothes, your own pjs, comfy socks, baby clothes, clothes for dad, lots of toilatries that smell like home, and your own pillow. Thank goodness for the pillow!!! Troy and I took a hot shower, he made me some waffles and the midwife on call finally got back to us. At this point I thought someone from the midwife's staff would be meeting me at the hospital as a doula and advocate. After this phone call, I knew Troy was going to have to be my everything, and he was already in protector, daddy, birth partner, and calm husband mode. I don't know how he did this so well, but I feel so blessed for this above all else. We ate our waffles, Troy packed the car, and we headed out. We had my aunt coming for the dogs in the later morning and we stopped to get cash to be prepared. The drive was serene, nobody on the road, almost foggy. Troy and I held hands, I was a little crampy, but very comfortable other than the continuous drips and mini gushes of water in the huge pad I was sporting. It took us a minute to figure out where to park, we headed inside, Troy carrying our bundle. I checked in much like a Drs. appointment, and had a few laughs with the plethora of nurse ladies crowded around the desk at these wee hours of the morning. It was around 4am now. I sat down, being asked short generic questions, medical history etc, then moved to a tiny exam room. Nurses and Drs. came in and out to begin the journey of never having the same person in the room for more than a few minutes "Are you my nurse? Are you my Dr? I kept asking." "Nope I don't work upstairs, or no my shift is ending," were the replies. After some blood work and an ultrasound, I was given the verdict we knew at 1:30am, my water had indeed broken. The ultrasound showed our baby doing well, I couldnt see, but the focus was not really on me with the Dr, it was about numbers and status. The Dr. I knew now for the whole of 5 minutes checked me and declared 3 cm dilated. This was good news to me, as I was pretty comfortable and feeling little to no surges, just nervous. I was told what I also already knew that they wanted to give me medication right away to progress me and limit the risk of infection to us both. They threw out the word pitocin right away, but were going to try a cervical insert first to hopefully jump start my dialation. I'm sure that I said multiple times at this point already that I wanted a more natural experience and felt shut down immediately by this Dr. with medical comebacks, I was kind of happy at this point she didn't work upstairs, where I was headed. 

Hospital Journey
I was whisked away in a wheelchair, Troy not far behind with our goodies on a cart. We didn't exactly know where we were going, if I was getting the cervical medication, delivering this baby soon or not. The triage room was nice, hotel quality bathroom, and faux wood floors. I was already hooked up to the IV, put in a hospital bed, and told to wait. Troy and I took this time to rest in the room, which was constantly interrupted by people with clipboards, taking my vitals, discussing pain management drugs, and possible scary outcomes. We were trying our best to stay in the calm, relaxed mindset even with these off putting interruptions. We really didn't know what was going on at this point, I was slightly crampy but no pain. A few nurses gave their opinion that I was progressing too much for the cervadil insert, but not enough to opt out of pitocin when transferred to labor and delivery. This didn't make a whole lot of sense at this point, but we were excited to still be able to order breakfast, which was now open at 7:00am. We had some croissant-wiches, and juice which was nice, I was hungry already at this point and knew I needed strength and rest. The rest was not coming easy, my body was battling with nerves, but knew I needed to find calm to have a shot at the natural relaxed birth we were hoping for. Before we knew it, a transport had been ordered to bring us to labor and delivery, kind of annoying that we had to pack our things up again and move after getting comfy. I was frustrated and ready to get relaxed and into my birth methods, it was very unsettling to constantly have to move. I was ready to be in my own little zone with Troy, and praying they would give me the space I needed to do this. 

Labor and Delivery
I was pleasantly surprised with our labor and delivery room, it was double the size of the last room, equipped with birth ball, and our own tub. I was slightly uplifted by the way the room looked, and the appearance that they would be open to some alternative birth methods other than laying flat in the bed. But for the time being, I was in the bed. A new nurse or Dr. came in every minute, different ones from the triage room that we had developed a rapport with. This was very difficult for me, having to convey my natural outlook and wishes for delivery to a multitude of people, with my fingers crossed I would be supported and not ridiculed. I wrote a birth plan with a mini pencil on computer paper in the room, which was added to my file, I was glad at least the Drs. and nurses were forewarned. After being re-hooked up to surge and fetal heart monitors, (this time wireless, which was an improvement), I was able to get into the zone of relaxation that I had been striving for. I stayed laying down, trying to conserve my energy. After a while, and being interrupted during my "rainbow relaxation," many times, usually to ask me the same questions; "Why are you here? What pain methods are you using? You are at risk of infection so we need to speed things along," I was put on my worst nightmare, pitocin. On one hand I didn't know if I could stay with my natural birth plan with this medical intervention, and on the other hand I was ready to get more going in my labor. The nurse was kind and turned up the pitocin in smaller doses since she knew I was not using an epidural, and didn't want to overwhelm me. I felt the surges more now, and Troy seemed so proud of me watching a big one go by and I stayed relaxed. I was filled with confidence, I relaxed, changed positions, Troy helped me through larger ones pushing on my pelvis and hips. I really felt like I had this, and I was sure I was making progress. But still at this point, whether it still be the shock of being in labor, or because of being in the hospital, I didn't feel extremely connected to my baby or the image of "pushing her out." I didn't let this get to me, I just kept in the mindset that every surge was bringing me closer to her, and each was a hurdle to be proud of accomplishing. I got a cringe every time someone entered the room, but I was getting in a mode of not even worrying about them and not showing embarrassment for my "Enya" or relaxation meditation blasting. Another anesthesiologist came in after a while and offered pain medication again, he seemed a little off put with my music while he was trying to speak, and told me he thought "epidurals were great," but gave me space when I stuck with my wishes to have a natural birth. The surges were closer together, and my main goal was to not let them get out of control and keep with new pain interventions. So, I had the nurse bring me water, a popsicle, and ice periodically. Finally around 5:30 or 6pm I was ready to sit on my ball in the shower. I was still being monitored for an infection, and was being given antibiotics through my IV, so submerging in water was not allowed. It felt great, letting the hot water run on my pelvis, where the surges seemed to have migrated to and intensified. I was so happy that I decided to sit in the shower at this moment because the water really was taking the edge off. All my relaxation quickly turned to irritation, when I was told to get out of the tub, I thought this was just to adjust my monitors, but I was being dried off and dressed by the nurse before I knew it. They asked me to lay down on my side and wait for the Dr. to come see me. The baby's heartrate had been rising, then dipping with every contraction, showing distress and a pinched umbilical cord. The Dr. came in and proceeded to insert a small clear tube up my cervix to push water and fluid back into my baby's space and hopefully enable the cord to move freely. The Dr. was so rough, barely looking at me while she did this procedure, she instead looked at the shadowing resident explaining what she was doing, like I was a dummy in a lab they were practicing on. I didn't like her, nor did I like the term she was about to introduce into our birth plan: c-section. I anticipated medication, IVs, them whisking my baby away, and cutting the cord faster than I wanted, but a c-section never entered my mind. I felt like the time between the introduction of this news of a possible c-section to the decision to perform one was about 30 seconds long. It was pretty much decided, all the risks and side effects were being read to me, and the main Dr. on the floor entered the room with a growing crowd of nurses. I felt like there were 30 people in the room, I couldn't find Troy when quickly scanning the room with my eyes, and part of me didn't want to find him in fear that I would see concern in his eyes. The floor Dr. had a better bedside manner, he was to the point, and stated the reality short and sweet, "We need to get your baby out healthy, let's do it." I was still having contractions at this point, all in my front lower belly and I held my hand up to stop them from talking at times because it seemed nobody understood that while I'm trying to listen, comprehend, and process all this I'm having increasingly worse contractions from the stress. My body was shaking like a leaf, mirroring how it was when my water broke that morning, but it 100 times worse running from my chattering teeth to my toes and there was no hiding or controlling it. I apologized about it to the nurses who were now wiping my whole body down with antibacterial wipes. About 6 people were taking my gown off, lifting it up wiping all over whilst the contractions and shivers were taking over my body. It felt a little out of body at this point. I was surrounded by strangers, but felt so alone, I saw Troy taking care of our things and putting them on the cart. He was handed a gown and cap, and knew he would be right behind me. A skinny, little, young, nurse had captured my attention, telling me that I was "doing great mama," and complimented me on my continued deep breathing. This was the only thing keeping me from crying and screaming in fear and pain. She made me feel like a person and not a science experiment on a conveyer belt. Their goal was to get my baby out and the disregard to how I felt and the pain I was experiencing was scary to me, but I tried to remain calm and compliant to get it over with as easy as possible. I had to hunch over despite the pelvic contractions, the only person who noticed I was still getting through these was the little nurse now holding me up as I leaned forward in a ball for the spinal. I just kept whispering "I'm having a contraction," and the nurse validated this. "Bee sting, which side do you feel that on?" was the phrase I heard over and over for the next 26 minutes. Someone was pushing a fetal heart monitor into my pelvis simultaneously, yelling "not able to position for fetal heartbeat since entering OR." It felt like forever and like a blink of an eye all at the same time. Finally a second anesthesiologist came in after I learned later that 4 spinals didn't work. The failed spinals felt like a sharp shoot of pain up my right side, sometimes making my right arm and leg move. The one that "worked" felt different and localized in the middle of my spine, and I felt the warm numbing sensation they had spoken about in my feet. At this point I was singing "pop goes the weasel," no idea why that song, but the nurse commented that I was funny, and I think my brain needed this to get me through. A catheter went in, and my contractions continued as they laid me flat and pulled up the curtain. I barely noticed Troy was there, as they touched my belly with an instrument and I jumped off the table. Something inside me knew this situation was about to get worse, as the anesthesiologist stated the spinal needed more time to kick in, and the OBGYN  stated there was no time. I almost wanted to lie and say I couldn't feel the touch so I didn't have to get put under and Troy could stay. I couldn't, they touched my belly one more time, I jumped, they whisked Troy up, he gave me a kiss goodbye, and they put the mask on my face. I took the deep breaths they instructed me to remembering this scenario as the "very unlikely" one they had reiterated to me in the anesthesia babble earlier. 15% mortality rate rang in my ears as I drifted off, thinking "shit, this is kind of a big deal." I honestly just wanted to be snoozing at this point, between the stress, pain, and anxiety I drifted off probably more peaceful than I had been in the past hour.

Recovery 
I woke up being pushed in a hospital bed, I don't remember pain, just being disoriented and confused. I was crying, asking if the baby was ok. Troy showed me pictures of her and told me she was fine. I guess I was a broken record and asked over and over, but I honestly didn't even understand what was going on where I was going, or where the baby was. I was in a little room with cloth screens around with one lady working on a machine attached to my IV typing on a laptop. Troy was standing beside the rolling bed and we were talking about who to call and he told me that his parents were at the hospital. We decided to call my mom and sisters in Ireland, even if it was in the wee hours of the morning for them, Troy left a message that was sure to surprise them in the morning. The nurse instructed me on how to use my button for pain medication, and they wheeled me to see the baby. I started to cry hysterically seeing her attached to all the wires, and in shock that she was here. 

They brought us to our new room, all our things were there and I was lifted into the bed. Troy's parents were there, I waved from my wheely bed and at the time I felt so awake and "with it." Now looking back, it's hard to remember the sequence of things or any concept of time. I wanted water, and soon Troys parents left to give us space. We went to bed and I remember pressing my pain medication button often, more in fear that the pain would be unbearable if I waited too long. I woke up, wanting to get off the morphine IV, and I needed to eat to do that. The night had been very interrupted, catheter bag drained, vitals taken, and dressings changed. I was so excited to eat, we had to get liquidy things at first but it was still food. At this point, as strange as it sounds, I didn't have a longing desire to see my baby, I could still feel her kick inside my slightly smaller, but swollen belly. I kept telling myself that she was out, and even the thought that there was a small overlooked twin in there crossed my mind. I'm not sure if this was because of the morphine, surgery, stress, or because I was under when she was born and never truly "saw" her be born, maybe my body didn't register it as an event. Late morning came and I was accompanied by Troy, my aunt and uncle, and my inlaws as I hobbled into my wheelchair and went to see Ailee for the first time in a more alert state of mind. Everyone washed up, and I used foam since I couldn't get out of the chair physically and because of the restraint of my IV, and catheter bag hanging off the front for all to see. She was crying, I didn't want to burst into tears so I barely looked at her. Everyone had seen her already, Troy had to escort them down to the NICU, which I think he liked. Troy had seen her 8 times or so already, which made me happy, that she was being loved and doted on in my mental and physical absence. When I finally got to hold her, I knew she was mine, but I didn't recognize her at the same time. She looked like Troy, and was cute as a button. His parents gave us some space, and the lactation consultant came to help me out. I had requested a breast pump that morning and pumped a little collastrum for her. It felt more real to have her nurse, even though it wasn't perfect at first. We went back to the room, now I felt more in mom mode. I wanted to pump and feed her. I knew I needed to get off this morphine, so I kept progressing through the steps of food, to be able to get on pills. I felt guilty taking anything at all while trying to breastfeed, but I would not have been able to get up and down 3 floors to see her without medication. I was so glad to get off my IV and catheter, even though I knew I would have to hobble to the bathroom now. Every time went to the NICU Ailee looked better and better, but I was filled with nerves that something would go wrong and they would want to keep her for a long time. But we both improved, enough to go home, 3 days after the trickily unexpected morning. We got to go home with our sweet baby girl, born perfectly at 6lbs 4.8oz and 18.5inches long. 

Thoughts and struggles

 **(I had these feelings the first month or so after birth, I made sure to discuss my feelings with my husband and family daily and to be aware of postpardom depression. I'm including them so mommies out there don't feel guilty or alone. Most of these more negative feelings passed quickly and now being 2 months out my focus is on my precious baby and family 😊)**

-It's fine for me to mourn and be sad that the birth didn't go as planned -Even though the baby is healthy, I shouldn't feel guilt in wishing things could have been different at her birth -I didn't get to push my baby out -My body failed us -I was in disbelief that I had her right after surgery -I didn't get to see Troy meet the baby -I was drugged up meeting my baby for the first time -No skin to skin right away -Her cord was cut and she was put on formula -I'm scared to have another baby -I have flashbacks about the birth -I didn't feel connected right away since I wasn't able to care for her myself at first -I had to be taken care of so much by my husband -What method of childbirth should I use next time -What if there are complications again if I had a home birth

Blessings:
-My family and I are healthy and safe -My baby was well cared for in NICU -I was well cared for both in surgery and by the nurses when recovering -Overall I had a good hospital experience -It was a special time for us as a new family -I love my husband more than ever and it was an amazing time to grow together 

-Hypnobirthing techniques were my saving grace!!

*Thoughts after time has gone by; Ailee's birth story is not stressful to talk or think about. I have been able to process the experience and plan to have another child without anxious feelings. I love my baby and husband more than anything. I feel a strong connection with her no matter the lack of skin to skin contact we had at delivery. I can tell she loves me and has been excellent at breastfeeding from day 1 at home, which I am so greatful for!!! We are a happy and healthy family even without our natural birth we planned for!!

**Please, please, please!! NO negative comments!! It took a lot to put myself out there and post this. My intention is to put the feelings I had throughout birth and postpardom in this post to normalize with other families with similar experiences 😊

Pumpkin Icecream-Hello Fall!..almost.

This week, I've been getting back into more of a paleo lifestyle, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the influx of pumpkin goodies coming back in season!

With the continuous Florida heat still beating down yet fall scents and smells coming back in stores, I decided to make a pumpkin ice cream.

This ice cream is:

-Paleo

-Vegan

-Dairy Free

Here is what you need:

1-15 oz Can of Pumpkin Purée (not pumpkin pie filling)

1-13.5 oz Can of Coconut Milk (full fat, unsweetened)

1/2 c. Grade A Maple Syrup

3 TBS. Honey

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 tsp. almond extract

1 TBS. Cinnamon 

Mix all ingredients together in a blender or food processor, taste for sweetness and flavoring a (I added more cinnamon). Pour this thick creamy mixture into your ice cream maker and operate according to manufacturers directions (mine chilled for about 20 minutes until very thick). 

Scoop into freezable bowl with lid, and let chill for a few hours (at least 2). 

Scoop into bowls and top with your favorite toppings if desired! (Nuts, granola, coconut whipped topping, fruit)

Delicious 🍁  

Holiday Ice cream 🍁

Call me crazy, or maybe I can call it a "Christmas in July," kind of post while I can, but I'm getting the itch to do some pre-fall/holiday cooking.

This year I'm hosting Thanksgiving at my house, and having a spectacular menu is my goal. I cook Thanksgiving every year, but usually at my moms. I've made plenty of mistakes, trying recipes for the first time, overwhelming myself with way too many side dishes, and completely forgetting about a recipe, being left with a bushel of green beans that never made it to the table. So this year, I'm testing a few recipes every weekend, so everything is tried and tweaked come turkey day.

Holiday Ice Cream: 

-3/4 c. Sugar

-2 1/2 cups. Whole milk

-1/2 c. Heavy cream

-1 Tbs. Vanilla Extract 

-1 tsp. Almond Extract (take in that yummy holiday smell)

-1 Tbs. Cinnamon

-1/2 tsp. Kosher salt

Put everything into a large bowl. Whisk until sugar is combined and dissolves. Add into your ice cream maker and use according to your machine's instructions.

(About 20 minutes). Transfer into an airtight container, top with extra cinnamon if you are obsessed like me, and put in the freezer to set. 

* The ice cream is very milky, almost like chick fil a ice cream. So if you are looking for a thick and creamy custard this is not it..

Enjoy 🌞