I've decided to write this post over the course of the month we started sleep "training," our daughter. Actually, I don't like that phrase, I wanted to document how we've been "helping" our daughter develop better sleep habits. Here's to hoping at there will be some successes to share and a good post to look back on for future children (God willing :-). Up until this point the loss of sleep has probably been the hardest part of motherhood for me. You don't feel like yourself after months of sleeplessness, and the guilt sinks in that you just don't have the energy to be the supermom and wife you want to be.
Our daughter was never that child that slept so long that you felt the need to lean over and check her pulse in the night. From day one she woke often, suffered from crankiness, and bedtime has always been a fight (usually a mix of bouncing, rocking, swaddling, crying, waking, rocking, falling asleep). Over the course of the first year of her life we have used: a co-sleeper next to the bed, one of those rock a boos (or whatever they are called), a swing, I've propped pillows so I could hold her in the night while she slept, she moved to sleeping on my chest, over my stomach, and eventually in the middle of me and my husband. On average she woke about every 45 minutes. Around her one year birthday we decided it can't get much worse, so we started to try some techniques to help her fall asleep without nursing and have the ability to get comfy in her own sleep space.
I think the most important first step is to discuss with your spouse when and why the current situation isn't working for your family. The first day I REALLY wanted to sleep train our daughter was a month or so after we moved into a new house, the sleep was getting even worse, and I was scrambled to get her room set up. Alas, it didn't all come together and I am sort of glad it didn't, because I was frustrated and that is not a good way to start out.
NUMBER 1: don't pick a night that you are overly frustrated. You might not be as gentle as you need to be or have the patience to stick with it.
NUMBER 2: Pick the right sleep method or combo that works for you and your child's needs and personalities. (I will talk more about what we did later).
NUMBER 3: This was one of the biggest overlooked detail that didn't come up until night 2, what is REALLY bothering you about your current sleep arrangement? For us it started as "She needs to be in her own room like everyone else's kids!" As the days and nights progressed we decided that our babe sleeping in her crib for naps was really useful. She just plain slept better (in comparison to always napping in our bed), we were able to complete chores without disturbing her in our room, and it created a nice routine. But in actuality, when it came to nighttime sleep, we decided that the first issue we wanted to address wasn't that we wanted her "out of our room," it was the idea for her to stop using me as a human pacifier all night long. At this point she had been nursing about 6-10 times night, most of the time not even to the point she was getting nourishment, just to feel me there and to fall asleep. So this was the real issue that was keeping all of us from getting a good night's sleep. I also missed having some time to myself and with my husband at the end of the day: to clean up, brush my teeth, read, or watch tv with him.
DAY 1: I decided to put my daughter down for a nap in her crib after battling with her off and on for 2 hours to take a nap. She wouldn't nurse, she would crawl away on our bed, push away when I tried to cuddle and rock her, which led to her crying. I felt like I was the one causing her to not have the space to fall asleep safely. I brought her into her room, turned on her oscillating fan, night light, and monitor. We rocked, nursed, read books, and I sang to her. I put her in the crib and softly told her that it was time for "night night," and left the room (with the intention to come back in every few minutes to comfort her) like the method I was trying to use suggested. Boy, all H*** broke loose. She screamed, paced, tried to climb out, which led to me feeling like she may get hurt while trying to do so. This was not the method for us. I decided to try something else. I took her out, nursed her to calm her down like she was accustomed to, and waited until she was just about sleeping to lay her down. She still cried, but I stayed at the side of the crib and laid her down gently as many times as it took for her to stay laying down. I softly rested my hands on her back and lightly on her head (similar to how I hold her against my chest while we rock in the glider). It took a lot of patience and a kink in the back for mom, but she safely fell asleep, and the cries were different, switching from "I'm all alone" to "I'm frustrated I'm not being picked up." This worked much better for both of us at this point.
NIGHT 1: I used a similar method as naptime after we had dinner, bath, quiet play, pj's on, teeth brushed, nursed in her room, read books, sang, and I rocked and nursed her until she was almost asleep, then laid her down in the crib. I stayed at the side of the crib, kissed her head and laid her back down softly when she reached for me, and patted her back when she was tuckered out and stayed laying down. It is not quick by any means but it was just not in the cards for me to let her scream. (At one point I did pick her up to nurse during this stage because I didn't think she had her fill and was crying out of hunger). I then laid her back down and started again. (I gave myself so much grief about this at the time because most things I read say "don't give in" bla bla) At some point you have to throw the "training method" out the window and use your parental intuition!! All you can do is what you think is best at any given moment. Between 8pm and 12am she woke up 6 times and I picked her up and rocked and nursed her back to sleep......needless to say I was overwhelmed and exhausted and brought her into out bed for business as usual. Can't win 'em all...
DAY 2: Morning nap we used the same method of rocking, nursing almost to sleep, then laying her down, and patting her back to sleep. This time was worse than the day before....it took an hour and I almost threw in the towel many times. After she finally went to sleep, the nap only lasted 30 minutes. In the afternoon she fell asleep much easier but still slept for only 30 minutes or so. I was a little discouraged when nighttime came. I had been getting a gut wrenching feeling, similar to how I felt when she was a newborn and I knew I had a long night of new experiences ahead.
NIGHT 2: I put her to sleep and this time tried to cut off the nursing sooner and just rock her into sleepiness. She wasn't particularly happy about this, but was fine with some cuddles and rocking. Even though some of her naps didn't go well that day I still took a mental note of how responsive she was regarding what to expect when we entered her room for a night night time. She didn't fight me, and knew why we were in there. She slept better and when she woke, I brought her in bed with me. Not a perfect night but I had an hour or so to myself to get ready for bed and be with my hubby.
DAY AND NIGHT 3: Same method of noisemaker on, nursing, rocking, books, singing, and laying her down in the crib when almost asleep. I would keep gently laying her down on her tummy until she stopped getting up. I laid my hand on her back and either rubbed or patted while shushing. That night she was worse than usual. I thought we were regressing or she was anxious from the separation....the next day I noticed a lump below her ear on her neck. Mama called the doctor, and the doctor said...Eustasion Tube Infection...poor babe..
**Stopped and let her nurse around the clock, sleep on my chest, and in bed if that is what she wanted. I laid her in her crib with the same method but did not let her cry at all because she was in pain and I knew it was not an appropriate time to add stress or deny constant comforting to my sick babe.
DAYS/NIGHTS 1 and 2 (after 10 days of being sick and back to her normal self): We went back to the same methods of soundmaker, rocking, nursing, books, singing in her glider until very drowsy. Proceeding to lay her in her crib and laying her on her tummy gently after kisses when she would stand and reach for me. Patted and rubbed her back while shushing or singing until she fell asleep. SHE FOUGHT ME 100 TIMES HARDER THAN BEFORE!! I thought this was it....it was ruined, any little progress we had made was done. We had a vacation coming up the next day so we threw in the towel since we knew she would have to sleep in the bed with us over the weekend.
DAY/NIGHT 1 (after returning from vacation): I laid on her nursery floor and cried. My husband found me there and we had a long talk about what to do and our plan of action. I told him I missed her at night when she was in her crib and worried about her, checking the monitor every hour or so. So even when she slept for an hour or so in her crib at night I was usually up, anticipating her waking. But there was no way she could sleep in our bed anymore. She tossed and turned all night, nursed every time my chest was anywhere near her, bit my nipple while nursing, kicked me, scratched me, and some nights woke crying 10+ times out of frustration. We decided:
-We wanted to continue her sleeping in the crib while napping, and when she woke up grouchy mid nap to pat her back to sleep instead of instantly picking her up. (to make sure she was getting enough sleep during the day).
-We liked her starting the night in her crib and needed to stick to a routine: 6:30 Dinner, bath, quiet play and book time, brush her teeth, 7:30/8PM rocking/nursing/singing/reading in her nursery until drowsy, laying her down patting her back to sleep.
-We introduced a pack and play to our room, to allow her to sleep near us but not in the bed.
-Our goal was to put her to sleep in her room, then bring her into our room once she woke (around 1am usually) nurse her, put her in the pack and play, keep laying her down until she is comfy, pat her back until she fell asleep.
-We decided that we would not take her out of the pack and play under any normal circumstances, she eats a good meal before bed and nurses twice in the night (7:30 and 1am). We would stick to the method of kissing her when she woke and stood in the pack and play at night, lay her down gently until she stays laying down, pat her back to sleep.
WEEK 1 = SUCCESS: Our daughter is by NO means sleeping through the night. But we have developed a plan for nighttime that works for us, and we feel like our daughter is getting more comfortable settling herself (even without our help). Lately during our rocking/nursing/singing before bed she is very drowsy, and begins to try and get off my lap. Which I thought at first she was trying to get away and out of her room, I decided to lay her in her crib, and she got comfy and fell asleep. NO tears and NO intervention such as patting her back or shushing by me. Our schedule during the night isn't perfect but we see improvements and milestones being met night after night.
7:30- rock/nurse/cuddle/sing/lay in crib very drowsy, somewhere between 12am and 3am she wakes and my husband brings her in our room, I nurse her sitting up on the bed while rocking gently and lay her in the pack and play next to the bed (I release the latch if she falls asleep nursing so she is not just using me as a pacifier), she wakes at 4:30am I lay her down, pat her back until she quickly falls asleep, any other time she wakes I respond the same way, 7am wake, cuddles and nurses in bed an we giggle and play in mommy and daddy's bed. *She now sleeps from 7:30 pm-2:30 am in her crib, then 3am-7am in her pack and play (with a few times I have to pat her for a few seconds) From waking 10+times a night in our bed, to patting her back to sleep a few times a night, we are elated.
I really feel like a better mom now that I can get some sleep. I can readjust in the night without worrying about waking the baby next to me, I can go to the bathroom in the night, get a sip of water...pretty much gained some of my human-ness back. Our daughter is 100% getting better sleep and without feeling stressed or upset with bedtime. She used to get up and cry every hour or so and needed to be nursed to fall asleep. Even then, she just never seemed to get really comfy in the bed with us. Reading other blogs, I never thought our sleeping arrangement could change unless we let her cry it out, or until she was 2 and we could put a bed on our floor. If you are reading this and thinking "there is no hope for me to sleep ever again," you were me a month ago. Try to sit down with your partner and really decide what you need to happen in order for everyone to get better sleep (when your child is of age of course). Decide if you want your baby in your room, just out of the bed, in a separate room, etc. Don't listen to all the opinions around you, they don't know what your sleep life is like and in the end you, your partner, and baby are the most important players in the situation. Ask for support from your partner, I told my hubby I like when he touches my back or rubs my arm while I'm trying to settle our daughter to give me encouragement. I truly believe that children like a routine, and even though our lifestyle doesn't always allow for it to be perfectly the same everyday, our whole family now knows what is expected at bedtime and all three of us are happier.
Be Gentle. Be Kind. Comfort Your Baby. Get Some Sleep :-)
-Candice
